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My dreams are often sad because they are too beautiful. They bloom in places no morning has ever touched, calling me by a name I do not remember ever having, yet somehow recognize. And still, I go. I slip out of myself easily, like a shadow loosening from the body, leaving something behind that I do not bother to retrieve. I wander through corridors that bend, through doors that open into oceans, into skies that fold into rooms. Midnight spills like ink, and the carriage of dreams arrives without horses, without sound, only a silent summons, something that knows me better than I know myself. It takes me, and I do not fight it. I don’t think I ever wanted to. How could I, when even the stars seem to have lost their place, drifting as I do, suspended somewhere between sleep and return, between something I almost understand and something I am afraid to name. And he is always there, almost. A warmth I cannot reach, a hand that disappears when I try to hold it, a voice blurred beneath water. He exists in that fragile space where longing is allowed to live without consequences, where I can have him without ever truly having him at all. I wake with him slipping through me, and the morning feels less solid than the dream. M. | reverie April 2026

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Isn’t it strange how easily something can return to what it once was? You built your defenses carefully, stone by stone. Then one day, someone came, someone who felt soft enough to be let in. You began to take the walls down, slowly at first. One stone, two stones, then more and more, until the opening felt wide enough to let them in. And then something slips through that changes everything. You stood there, helpless, as everything rebuilt itself around you, thicker now, taller than before, as if it has learned from its own collapse. But this time, it does not only keep the world out; it keeps you in, too. It has learned to guard itself from you as well. It no longer trusts your hands. Every time you try to reach for the light again, it resists. It turns against you, presses you back, and keeps you still. And so, you remain inside, watching life continue without you. While the walls whisper that you are safe, even as they replay every hurt, over and over, across the surface that was once meant to protect you. M. | of walls & masks April 2026

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It has been eleven years, and I still do not know how to speak about you without feeling something in me shift. In the moments when your name crosses my mind without warning, I find myself talking to you as if you had only stepped into another room. You were gone long ago, but the love and the hurt have never learned how to follow time. I try to imagine what you would think of me now, after all this time. Eleven years of growing, of changing, of learning how to live in a world that continued without you. There are things I wish I could show you, things I wish I could say, moments I wish you had been there for. There are so many things I have become, and so many things I am still trying to understand. I think about the way you used to look at me, like I was never something you doubted. I wonder if you would still recognize me in the same way. You once told me, “You are everything that I am, what is there for you to be afraid about?” I did not understand it then, not in the way I do now. Back then, it felt like comfort. Now, it feels like something you left behind for me to hold onto. I hear you in those words when fear finds me, when I hesitate, when I forget myself. I miss you in ways that arrive quietly. In ordinary days, in passing thoughts, in the smallest moments that no one else would notice. And somehow, even after all this time, loving you still feels the same. Steady, present, unchanged. Even with all this distance between then and now, missing you feels like something that has never learned how to end. M. | April 2026

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He lets me choose where and when I soften. There is no asking, no silent expectation pressing against my ribs, only the gentle understanding that I am allowed to lay things down, piece by piece, in my own time, as if he knows I have spent too long being everything all at once. He does not take my strength away. It stays with me, familiar and guarded, but around him it loosens, as if I no longer need to hold it so tightly. And I fear what I might become without it, how easily I could be hurt, but still, I let it happen. The pressure I have learned to live with begins to dissolve in his presence. I do not know whether to be grateful or afraid, for in its absence I am left with a stillness I am not used to, an unfamiliar softness against my own skin, like something I was never meant to keep for long. There is no force in the way he loves, only an intimate, sweet yearning. That is what terrifies me most. Not the breaking, not the falling, but the gentleness of it. The way he reaches parts of me I have kept hidden, doing so with care, as if he understands that even light can overwhelm when you have lived too long in the dark. He is light filtering through leaves, finding me where I did not know warmth could reach, reminding me I am allowed to feel the sun, even if only for a moment. He is my komorebi, and I do not know how to stand beneath it without trembling, as if some part of me is already learning how to miss it. M. | komorebi April 2026

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I hope you chew your food slowly because you are learning how to savour the taste again, not because your eyes and your chest are still heavy with tears. I hope you grow your hair again because you once loved it long, or keep it short simply because it feels like you, not because some distant part of you is still hurting in ways you do not speak of. I hope you enjoy your midnight drives because you love the silence of the road, not because you need somewhere to scream, where no one could hear you, without worried faces finding you. I hope you stay a little longer in the shower, soft with yourself, not sitting on the floor and letting the water fall just to drown your tears, as if they could take the pains off you. And I hope, in the quiet way healing comes, with no one noticing and nothing certain, you begin again, slowly, tenderly, even if your hands are still trembling, even if your heart does not quite believe it yet, even if you have to learn to live with yourself all over again. M. | I hope you stay April 2026

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I spent nights turning over meanings, wondering if a word existed to describe you and me. But every word I reached for felt either too small or far too grand, and we were always somewhere in between. Perhaps I will spend the rest of my life searching for the right way to define us, only to come up short every time. But you? You were never hard to define. You were always just one word, one soft, aching syllable. Love. And maybe that is the beauty of it, how something as fleeting as us can still linger in the heart like a favourite song long after it ends. I might never fully fathom what we were, but I know how it feels, like sunlight through a window on a late afternoon. Brief. Golden. A little sad. And still worth everything. M. | cosmos April 2026

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Each April, I meet myself among the fragments I thought I had buried. Then there is him. He asks for nothing and does not try to fix me. He keeps his hands open, steady and unafraid, as though loving me has nothing to do with mending and everything to do with staying. His gentleness is warm, almost unbearable, for I had sworn to keep my distance. I wonder if he knows what it means to love something broken, how the past lingers, teaching me to hesitate even when something good stands before me. But he does not turn away. He remains calm as April light, patience as something that needs no proof. And yet, April still feels the same. It has not forgotten, quietly resenting what was lost. I lie here, waiting for the pain to ease, unsure if my hands know how to hold what does not hurt. But he stays, and somewhere between fear and longing, I begin to wonder if hope might remain here too, fragile, uncertain, yet quietly choosing to remain. M. | Me, April & its broken things April 2026

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