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April is on its last page. The past keeps finding its way back to me every April, like it knows exactly when I am most open, most unguarded. A lot has happened. So much that it feels like this single month has both broken me down and asked me to grow at the same time. As if I had to shrink first, to make space for something new. My emotions have been louder this month. Unavoidable. Unignorable. They sit with me, follow me, ask to be felt in ways I can no longer delay. And my mind, restless as ever, keeps circling the same question: “Who am I right now?” Not who I used to be, not who I am trying to become, but who I am in this very moment, stripped of everything familiar. And today, it felt like the question shifted. Something simple, yet impossibly difficult. “What do I want right now?” Not what I once wanted, not what I hope for in some distant future, but what I need, here, as I am. This month has wrung me dry. It has taken from me, demanded from me, stretched me in ways I did not think I could endure. And yet, somewhere in all of this, I found something unexpected. A quiet kind of love. A steady kind of support. From a force I did not even know existed, unseen, but undeniably there. March taught me how to let go. April showed me what it costs. And now I stand here, somewhere between emptiness and understanding, carrying both what I lost and what stayed— hoping that May will be gentle with me. As I learn, slowly and carefully, how to live with myself again. M. | last page 30 April 2026

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At some point, I stopped wanting to work things out with you. Not because I stopped loving you, but because holding something that kept breaking in my hands hurt too much. I stopped looking for ways to fix us, stopped believing there was a version of this that didn’t end the way everything does, inevitably, whether we are ready or not. So I told you what I dreaded, the same thing I kept repeating to myself, hoping it would feel less heavy each time, that we needed to move on and try to heal, whatever that was supposed to mean. But that word was never gentle between us. It cuts. How am I supposed to heal from something that still feels like the truest thing I have ever known? How are you supposed to? I don’t think we will. Perhaps the people who come after us will love us more than we will ever be able to love them. Not because they are lacking, but because we have already given the deepest parts of ourselves to each other. What’s left will still be love, but it will not be the same. It will hesitate. It will remember. And maybe this is the part we could never move on from, we don’t want to heal from each other. We only ever wanted to heal with each other. M. | rupture April 2026

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Maybe I’d write the truths I am scared to admit. That I miss people who broke me, as if my memory has learned to love them more gently than they ever loved me. My love is ferocious, and it does not end cleanly; it frays and echoes and leaves fingerprints on places I can’t wash, no matter how hard I try. My healing is messy and looping, like a wound I keep touching just to see if it still hurts. My mind is a constant maze with dead ends, and my heart is a room of mirrors I avoid because I already know what they will show me. I could write that I don’t need to be chosen. For who needs connection, when it is bound to be severed anyway, yet there is still a part of me, small and persistent, that waits for someone to look at me and decide I am worth staying for. And still, I write it all softly, as if I am holding shards of glass in a trembling palm, learning how to keep them without letting them fall, without hurting me more. This is what I carry. It cuts, it weighs, it stays. M. | truths & scars April 2026

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While going through work photos for a presentation, I found myself looking at familiar faces, colleagues, teams, friends, how easily everyone smiled for the camera, how willingly they were remembered. And I noticed something. I am rarely in them. Even though I was there for almost all of it, I exist somewhere behind the lens or just outside the frame. Even in my personal life, I have very few photos of myself. Sometimes I tell myself I will regret it one day, for not having memories to hold onto, but does remembering truly need proof? So, I keep choosing not to be in them. I do not even keep my childhood photos. I do not remember seeing many, though I know my parents took them. Even then, it always felt easier to exist behind moments rather than inside them. But I do take photos, just not of myself. I capture life as it passes, places, fleeting moments, the feeling of a day before it disappears. Maybe I am just a private person, and perhaps I have always been this way. I do not think I want to leave a memory behind. When I am gone, there will be nothing to look back on, nothing to hold, and maybe that is the point. And as time passes, who will remember we were here at all? And yet, I do not know if that thought comforts me or quietly breaks something in me. M. | unframed April 2026

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My dreams are often sad because they are too beautiful. They bloom in places no morning has ever touched, calling me by a name I do not remember ever having, yet somehow recognize. And still, I go. I slip out of myself easily, like a shadow loosening from the body, leaving something behind that I do not bother to retrieve. I wander through corridors that bend, through doors that open into oceans, into skies that fold into rooms. Midnight spills like ink, and the carriage of dreams arrives without horses, without sound, only a silent summons, something that knows me better than I know myself. It takes me, and I do not fight it. I don’t think I ever wanted to. How could I, when even the stars seem to have lost their place, drifting as I do, suspended somewhere between sleep and return, between something I almost understand and something I am afraid to name. And he is always there, almost. A warmth I cannot reach, a hand that disappears when I try to hold it, a voice blurred beneath water. He exists in that fragile space where longing is allowed to live without consequences, where I can have him without ever truly having him at all. I wake with him slipping through me, and the morning feels less solid than the dream. M. | reverie April 2026

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Isn’t it strange how easily something can return to what it once was? You built your defenses carefully, stone by stone. Then one day, someone came, someone who felt soft enough to be let in. You began to take the walls down, slowly at first. One stone, two stones, then more and more, until the opening felt wide enough to let them in. And then something slips through that changes everything. You stood there, helpless, as everything rebuilt itself around you, thicker now, taller than before, as if it has learned from its own collapse. But this time, it does not only keep the world out; it keeps you in, too. It has learned to guard itself from you as well. It no longer trusts your hands. Every time you try to reach for the light again, it resists. It turns against you, presses you back, and keeps you still. And so, you remain inside, watching life continue without you. While the walls whisper that you are safe, even as they replay every hurt, over and over, across the surface that was once meant to protect you. M. | of walls & masks April 2026

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It has been eleven years, and I still do not know how to speak about you without feeling something in me shift. In the moments when your name crosses my mind without warning, I find myself talking to you as if you had only stepped into another room. You were gone long ago, but the love and the hurt have never learned how to follow time. I try to imagine what you would think of me now, after all this time. Eleven years of growing, of changing, of learning how to live in a world that continued without you. There are things I wish I could show you, things I wish I could say, moments I wish you had been there for. There are so many things I have become, and so many things I am still trying to understand. I think about the way you used to look at me, like I was never something you doubted. I wonder if you would still recognize me in the same way. You once told me, “You are everything that I am, what is there for you to be afraid about?” I did not understand it then, not in the way I do now. Back then, it felt like comfort. Now, it feels like something you left behind for me to hold onto. I hear you in those words when fear finds me, when I hesitate, when I forget myself. I miss you in ways that arrive quietly. In ordinary days, in passing thoughts, in the smallest moments that no one else would notice. And somehow, even after all this time, loving you still feels the same. Steady, present, unchanged. Even with all this distance between then and now, missing you feels like something that has never learned how to end. M. | April 2026

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He lets me choose where and when I soften. There is no asking, no silent expectation pressing against my ribs, only the gentle understanding that I am allowed to lay things down, piece by piece, in my own time, as if he knows I have spent too long being everything all at once. He does not take my strength away. It stays with me, familiar and guarded, but around him it loosens, as if I no longer need to hold it so tightly. And I fear what I might become without it, how easily I could be hurt, but still, I let it happen. The pressure I have learned to live with begins to dissolve in his presence. I do not know whether to be grateful or afraid, for in its absence I am left with a stillness I am not used to, an unfamiliar softness against my own skin, like something I was never meant to keep for long. There is no force in the way he loves, only an intimate, sweet yearning. That is what terrifies me most. Not the breaking, not the falling, but the gentleness of it. The way he reaches parts of me I have kept hidden, doing so with care, as if he understands that even light can overwhelm when you have lived too long in the dark. He is light filtering through leaves, finding me where I did not know warmth could reach, reminding me I am allowed to feel the sun, even if only for a moment. He is my komorebi, and I do not know how to stand beneath it without trembling, as if some part of me is already learning how to miss it. M. | komorebi April 2026

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I hope you chew your food slowly because you are learning how to savour the taste again, not because your eyes and your chest are still heavy with tears. I hope you grow your hair again because you once loved it long, or keep it short simply because it feels like you, not because some distant part of you is still hurting in ways you do not speak of. I hope you enjoy your midnight drives because you love the silence of the road, not because you need somewhere to scream, where no one could hear you, without worried faces finding you. I hope you stay a little longer in the shower, soft with yourself, not sitting on the floor and letting the water fall just to drown your tears, as if they could take the pains off you. And I hope, in the quiet way healing comes, with no one noticing and nothing certain, you begin again, slowly, tenderly, even if your hands are still trembling, even if your heart does not quite believe it yet, even if you have to learn to live with yourself all over again. M. | I hope you stay April 2026

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I spent nights turning over meanings, wondering if a word existed to describe you and me. But every word I reached for felt either too small or far too grand, and we were always somewhere in between. Perhaps I will spend the rest of my life searching for the right way to define us, only to come up short every time. But you? You were never hard to define. You were always just one word, one soft, aching syllable. Love. And maybe that is the beauty of it, how something as fleeting as us can still linger in the heart like a favourite song long after it ends. I might never fully fathom what we were, but I know how it feels, like sunlight through a window on a late afternoon. Brief. Golden. A little sad. And still worth everything. M. | cosmos April 2026

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Each April, I meet myself among the fragments I thought I had buried. Then there is him. He asks for nothing and does not try to fix me. He keeps his hands open, steady and unafraid, as though loving me has nothing to do with mending and everything to do with staying. His gentleness is warm, almost unbearable, for I had sworn to keep my distance. I wonder if he knows what it means to love something broken, how the past lingers, teaching me to hesitate even when something good stands before me. But he does not turn away. He remains calm as April light, patience as something that needs no proof. And yet, April still feels the same. It has not forgotten, quietly resenting what was lost. I lie here, waiting for the pain to ease, unsure if my hands know how to hold what does not hurt. But he stays, and somewhere between fear and longing, I begin to wonder if hope might remain here too, fragile, uncertain, yet quietly choosing to remain. M. | Me, April & its broken things April 2026

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Love is restless, unsettled by uncertainty, often fractured by the weight of the dead past, and in a world like this, it can end before it ever begins. It should have been simple. That is what I keep telling myself. Love is patient, isn’t it? Love trusts. It waits, it stays, it believes. It is meant to feel steady, something that does not slip through your hands, something that feels like a place to rest. But no one tells you that love is also afraid. Afraid of timing, of being too much or not enough, of the silent distance between two broken people who are still learning to heal. Still, something in me wonders if love could really disappear, or only waits somewhere beyond reach, persistent in ways I have yet to understand. And perhaps the right person was never meant to complete me, only to challenge me to become whole on my own. M. | of songs & home April 2026

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"If it hurts, it’s okay to be upset. Do what you need to do, take your time. But tell me, tell me exactly when it hurts, what it is that hurts you. I will be here. Always." He said it so simply, as if it were nothing, as if it were the most natural thing in the world to be upset, to feel, to admit where it hurts. No one had ever spoken to me that way before. No one had ever asked me to name my pain instead of hiding or enduring it. I think that was the moment something in me shifted. Not all at once, not enough to break down the walls I had built so carefully, but enough to let something unfamiliar slip through. Something quiet. Something dangerous. Something that felt a lot like the beginning of falling, not because the walls came down, but because for the first time I realized someone was willing to stand outside them and wait. I told myself it was nothing. That it would pass. That whatever had moved in me would settle back into place if I just left it alone. But even then, somewhere deep inside me, I knew this was the kind of feeling that would linger long after I had convinced myself it meant nothing. And the idea of me hurting him in the end terrifies me in ways I can’t name. M. | walls & clouds April 2026

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What we probably need right now is the courage to bear the weight life lays upon us. Yet our longing to be loved, our need to be seen and chosen, nudges us to reshape ourselves, softening corners, smoothing edges, into something we think is easier to hold. Without realizing, we carve away at who we are. We hide truths, offer only what the world will accept, and move carefully, deliberately, as though being fully ourselves might cost the approval we seek. Perhaps this is why sadness lingers, and happiness feels so brief. The pain does not come only from what the world has done to us, but from the fragments we ourselves have carved away, in trying to fit into a shape that was never ours. As April arrives softly, its gentle insistence in the air, humming like a quiet promise, and buds trembling under pale sunlight, I hope we find the courage to look back. To see how much of ourselves we gave away and, slowly, quietly, gather those pieces again. To learn at last what it truly means to belong to ourselves first. M. | April & quiet hope April 2026

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